Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Cheese Snaps FTW

Long ago, before the world turned to shit. We were happy folk, we didn't know it at the time, but we were. Well I was, who cares if you weren't. If you were eating Cheese Snaps like I was you were happy. Who would have thought in those carefree days that Cheese Snaps were a finite resource, like oil & Patrick Swayze? Their days were numbered and I didn't even know it. Why didn't you keep buying them? What's wrong with you lazy fucking Quaver munching plebs? Don't you realise Quavers are just shit Snaps?

'You can still get Tomato Snaps Phil chill ouuuuttt'


YOU PEOPLE, honestly.....

Britain was a better place with them, no doubt. We had options then and now we are shadows of our former selves; turning on each other like savages. We need Snaps back, Cheese Snaps; proper Snaps. Spread them the world over bringing joy to people who need them, even if they don't like them make them smile at gunpoint, make them see how lucky they are; an extinct crisp brought to life that shits all over Quavers, a massive dense shit.

Recession? Do one. Global warming? Take a hike. Ninjas took away your socks and put silly string in your I-Phone? All things we face day in & day out, but there is a cure. Cheese Snaps; bring them back. It's the only chance we have.

Walker's were onto something good, then Gary Lineker stuck his beak in (clearly opposed to Cheese Snaps, I don't have concrete proof but that is fact) and such is his influence they pulled the plug. They might as well have pulled the plug on life itself. Too dramatic? No my friend, you just aren't seeing the bigger picture. Ashton Kutcher made a film once about butterflies and they had this effect like he went roller skating and because of that his Mum's ears fell off. Cheese Snaps existence had a vital impact on everything. Michael Bolton hasn't had a mullet for years, coincidence?! I think not...

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Baking Love

Two people stand at a bus stop. One is a cauliflower, the other is a block of cheese. They are people though, don't think of them any less because they are edible, so are we after all if you're that way inclined. Stop interrupting me I'm telling you a story.

So they are waiting for a bus in silence because they aren't of an age where strangers would talk, more part of the listen to your Ipod and don't make eye contact generation. Cheese eyes up Cauliflower from top to bottom 'lovely florets' it thinks to itself 'the things I'd do to that'.

Several minutes pass and the bus shows no signs of turning up and Cauliflower feels slightly uneasy with the amorous Cheese. It knows it shouldn't meddle with dairy; they're from different backgrounds and yet deep down it loves the attention. Cheese moves in for the kill. 'Excuse me, are you Cauliflower? I'm Cheese. Look I know I sound a bit forward but for some reason I'm really attracted to you, I just want to spread myself all over you and I dunno... melt'

Cauliflower can't believe what it has just heard, it's mind is blown. There it was waiting for a bus to town and now it's been propositioned with cooking. It's never cooked before, it's always been told the first time can be painful but Cheese is so alluring, it has swagger, it has it 'goin on' as a gangsta cucumber would say.

Cheese pleads 'Look I'm a big hunk of dairy, and you're the finest vegetable I've ever seen. Come back to mine so I can rip of them leaves and get at them storks'

Cauliflower blushes.. somehow and before they could think it through they were in Cheese's bedroom. Two strange contraptions lay on the floor one a large Rangemaster oven and another smaller device. 'Oh my a Rangemaster!' Cauliflower gushes. 'Oh yeah, I work in the city' brags Cheese.

Cheese moves himself towards the smaller device; a fondue maker and switches it on. A dull whirring sound fills the room. 'Cauliflower I want you to strip'

'What is this?'
'Foreplay baby, do a sexy dance for me while I have a dip.'

Soft saxophone music plays in the background as the vegetable moves awkwardly, the odd leaf peeling away in rhythm while Cheese dips a corner in the fondue, melts a bit off and flicks it at Cauliflower. It's a wonderful sensation for the timid flora, feeling the goop graze her florets. 'Let's take this to the oven Cheese! I want you!'

Cheese is disappointed to cut off the foreplay but concedes the time is now. They climb aboard and the fan kicks in. 'Why isn't it hot yet?' says Cauliflower.

'It has to warm up first, I was going to pre-heat it but you rushed me.'
'Sorry I'm not sure if I'm feeling it now I think the moment has passed.' 
'No no, please I'll have it going in a couple of minutes, let's talk dirty or something.'
'I don't think this is a good idea. I don't even know you Cheese'
'Hey, I'm a very mature cheese and we're gonna bake love whether you like it or not.'

Cauliflower mulls over what to do, while slowly the temperature increases, maybe when it heats up proper it'll be back in the mood. It is a Rangemaster oven and Cheese is very mature; potent even. The fan noise grows louder and it turns to face Cheese, this is the moment they will combine, a food fusion it'll cherish forever. Cheese leans in but an expression of panic strikes as it struggles for grip, dripping through the grill and collapsing fast. 'Quick, kiss me Cauliflower! Let me cover you in my yellowy goop!' Cauliflower freezes (not literally, it is a fan-assisted oven) and Cheese wails as it slips all the way through the grill finally collecting itself again at the bottom of the oven, crisping by the second. Cauliflower screams in disgust trying to exit the oven but trapped going brown on top 'My florets my beautiful florets! What's happening?'

Cheese sobs 'I'm sorry this normally never happens, honest. Please don't tell anyone, I have a reputation.'

Sufficiently burned solid again, Cheese gets them out of the oven. Charred and disappointed they part ways. Cauliflower does not leave a number and goes about the rest of it's day, re-attaching leaves for modesty and to cover it's scars. Cheese is ruined, a successful city trader faced with major surgery to restore its smooth surfaces and calcium structure. The oven was too much for them and it was nearly the end of them.