Sunday, 24 October 2010
Monday, 18 October 2010
Alfie zips up his jeans in celebration of what followed removing them, catching his breath as Lauren fluffed the pillows, ignoring the rest of the mess in the bedroom.
'Can you nip out to the shops I'm starving.' She demands.
'I'll go to the chippy, what do you fancy?'
'Shut up you!' she responds whilst lobbing a once fluffed pillow.
With a peck on the cheek Alfie leaves wallet and all with the aim of being back before Corrie. Breezing through the gate he sees in the distance his new neighbour looming. They had met previously and shared an awkward beer. Alfie had to quickly decide when and if he just makes eye contact, does he stop and chat? What's he going to talk about? As they approach each other Jim the neighbour smiles broadly, whether he likes it or not he's in stop and chat territory now. Pleasantries are exchanged 'we should do something', 'yeah', 'how's Lauren?', 'yeah, I mean good' all the while Alfie's stomach grumbles as if it wants to be in the conversation or is just telling Jim to fuck off. 'Well be seeing you Alfie!' as he extends his right hand they shake firmly and it's all over. Textbook manshake, off to the chippy.
A tenner ejects itself from the cashpoint saying it's goodbyes to all the other notes for a life of wild adventure but probable retail career and after fending off the council kids after a fag, Alfie orders what he always does. Producing the tenner he emphatically places it in the cashier's palm, with an unintended chunk of skin contact. Completely innocuous Alfie heads home and dishes up.
Lauren chews like a cement mixer but stops when she notices Alfie pause. She asks what the matter is and as Alfie sniffs his right hand he looks back at her in horror.
'Jim's shaken hands with your muff!'
'I didn't wash my hands before I left, I shook his hand with my muff hand!'
'Your what hand?'
'My muff hand, from earlier! Oh and Mrs. Singh in the chippy! Got a right big chunk of her hand too!'
Lauren can only giggle, nothing can be done now but the thought of crossing Jim's path again makes her shiver.
Later that night Jim Toll snuggles up to Mrs Toll putting the hot water bottle to one side; as close a sign of romance as he knows. He sweeps her hair to one side in order to kiss her but she recoils in shock.
Alfie and Lauren hear screams, plates crashing and after five minutes a loud knock at the door. Mrs Toll has gone away with no word of when or if she'll return. The muff hand struck the first chance it could innocently crushing Jim's life with it's sweaty passion fragrance. Alfie ashamedly hides the marriage murder weapon in his pocket, apologizing over and over. Once Jim is relieved of angry mob duty and their porch is cleared Alfie reflects on his heinous act, wondering what Mr. Singh will think if he were to smell Mrs. Singh's hand, accuse her of lesbianism, the chip shop burning to the ground under hot fat and kebab grease. Where would he go for a takeaway now?
Lauren being a woman of needs, waits expectantly in her lingerie on the bed the next evening. Beckoning Alfie to her. He draws in closer guiding his right hand to her panties.
'Alfie come on!'
'I think I'll use my left from now on.'