Sunday, 1 March 2009

The Adventures of Centaur Lawyer: There's Two Sides to Every Cyclops

The jury of creatures sit, stand and graze in their pen. The defendant glugging copious amounts of water.

'Ladies, gentlemen and Griffins of the jury. Here before me stands a Cyclops. But not just any Cyclops, oh no, a Cyclops accused of a crime he didn't commit.'

Addressing the jury, four legged in a pinstripe suit stood Centaur Lawyer, hot shot maverick attorney, invested in the stone cold pursuit of justice, fighter, lover, organ donor. He continues his address:

'Imagine if you will, it's been a hard day at the office, you've got a stack of paperwork to do and you have a haemorroid that won't budge. You're on edge, you just want to get home to your wife, she's cooking meat loaf, my favourite. You get home and she's got a minotaur attached to her in your marital bed. It's easy to imagine what happens next. At least that's what Prosecution Phoenix is hoping.'

Prosecution Phoenix looks on, sneering beneath his thin rimmed glasses. His client, the flustered cycloptic wife of the defendant, looks on, albeit with less depth perception. Centaur continues:

'But ladies, gentleman and Griffins of the jury this tale is not as open and shut as you may think. What I am about to propose is shocking, damning and plain crazy. But more importantly, it's the truth. Mr. Cyclops did not murder the minotaur and did not burn him to a cinder as will be suggested by Prosecution Phoenix. Times are tight in the Cyclops household there is no doubt, the cost of eyecare has gone up, the price of meat loaf also. You see Mr Cyclops' wife was having an affair yes! But an affair with a motive. A crime of not passion but hunger.'

Mr and Mrs Cyclops look on with unease as he concludes his analysis:

'You see that minotaur was lured into bed under false pretences and eaten, by Mr and Mrs Cyclops!'

The whole courtroom goes into pandemonium. Everyone yelling at each other in protest and at the back of the room a goblin faints, the shocking truth too much to take.

Mr Cyclops looks up to the Centaur and pleads 'I'm paying you to defend me!'

'Justice has no price Mr Cyclops.'

Dragon Judge lets off a burst of flame to call the room to attention 'Order, order! Centaur lawyer do you have any evidence to back this ludicrous theory up?'

'Yes your honour I do, sat behind me is a unicorn, a witness who saw the wretched couple eat the tender beast and unicorns never lie.'

Dragon Judge, shifts his wig slightly and addresses the unicorn 'So...did they do it?'

The unicorn nods and the room gasps. Dragon Judge rules in favour of both parties being guilty and sentences them to sitting alone in a corner and thinking about what they've done and no pudding. After the case Dragon Judge and Centaur Lawyer share a glass of brandy together.

'Centaur Lawyer you son of a bitch!' He roars with laughter. 'You'd be a rich man if you weren't so goddamn self-righteous, you're a loose cannon, by my god you're one hell of a lawyer!'

Centaur Lawyer adjusts his tie and finishes his brandy and reaches for a cigar: 'Thank you your honour but I'm just doing my job.'

'Centaur, what did you make of the case?'
'Well it's the most expensive meatloaf they'll ever eat and they'll be paying the price for along time.'
'Godspeed Centaur Lawyer.'

With that he rides off into the sunset, until the next case....

Cold Shoulder

As the morning light slapped Ryan into consciousness he turned to his beloved lying next to him. He tried rubbing her thigh to get her to respond but since he got no reply he assumed she was still asleep. He blew gently in her ear but still nothing. Her back was turned to him and he decided to roll himself back over to his side of the bed. He heard her sniff.

'You OK sweetheart?'
'Yeah just a bad dream.'
'What was it about?'
She turned over, bleary eyed and anguished.
'I caught you smoking.'
A guilty look spread across Ryan's face, which was then eased by him reminding himself that he had never smoked in his 29 years of living.
'But I don't smoke dear.'
'I know but it really upset me.'
'Why?'
'Cos you were really horrible to me as well.'
'Sorry.'
'It's ok.'
Ryan paused and removed the comforting hand he'd placed against her cheek. 'Why am I apologising?'
'Huh?' She responded incredulously.
'Well I didn't do anything.'
'What do you mean?'
'I didn't do anything to upset you.'
'Well no.. but I'm still upset.'
'But should I really have to apologise for something I've never done in real life?'
'So you've done it in dreams?'
'What smoked?'
'Yes'
'Well maybe once or twice.'
She turned away stifling what appeared and sounded like tears. Ryan pleaded.
'But only when I had to, like when I would be a private detective or secret agent.'
'You should be dreaming of me!'
'Well sometimes I do but I can't control what I do and don't dream of, it just happens.'
'I always dream about you.'
'Surely not.'
'I do! I always dream about you, like last night.'
'Are they always that bad?'
'No they're normally nice but sometimes bad things happen.'
'Well I never have bad dreams with you in.'
'Is that supposed to make me feel bad?'
'No I didn't mean it that way... well you're making me feel bad anyway, I haven't done anything wrong here so I smoked in a dream so what? What difference does it make?'
'None I suppose.' She conceded.

A silent pause followed for what seemed infinite to Ryan.

'So who else do you dream about?' She asked.
'Before you think it I've never cheated on you in a dream. I had dinner with Jeff Goldblum once but nothing happened.'
'What happened?'
'I had the pasta, he had the steak, that was about it.'
She turned with a slight smile to him. 'Good.'