Thursday, 22 January 2009

Eye for an Eye?

While reading The Sun (urgh) the other day I came across an article that made me laugh out loud.
Now I know rape is not to be laughed at, but when famed social commentator Jordan decides to throw in her opinion..

GLAMOUR girl JORDAN has called for a new punishment for rapists – they should be raped themselves.

The tough-talking star – who also agrees with the death penalty – said: “The way I see it is an eye for an eye.

“So if someone rapes a girl he should be bent over and the same thing done to him. I’m sorry that’s just the way I feel. I’m very strict.”

Jordan, real name KATIE PRICE, added: “If someone is done for drink-driving they should have their licence taken away for life.

“And if someone steals they should have to wear a dye on their skin, like a tattoo on their ear or somewhere it can be seen – like across their face! That would stop people stealing.”

The 30-year-old model – who is moving to the US with husband PETER ANDRE – also voiced support for gay marriages.


Now
at first you may say well said Jordan, rapists are despicable people and deserve to be punished. But say Gordon Brown reads that and says 'Bloody hell why didn't I think of that, God that Jordan should be in my cabinet!' then we have a slight problem. Imagine if you will you're unemployed and perusing your local job centre.

Rapist required, flexible hours in a social environment. Hourly rate above minimum wage and free condoms supplied. No experience necessary.

Now look what happens, because of the need to hire rapists to rape rapists, you now have a vicious cycle of rape that is never ending! What kind of a cure is that eh? If Jordan ruled this country; which if she's moving to America we'll be spared from; life as we know it would surely end, we would devolve to a primate species, raping each other, unable to drive and with 'feef' tattoed on our foreheads. Grave indeed....


Saturday, 3 January 2009

Bad Signal and Bad Circulation


Of the ways I wished to start my Friday, finding my phone had mysteriously broken itself was not high on my list. A morning spent trying to negotiate various questions and belated Happy New Year texts using only letters between A and O was an almighty test of my vocabulary and further still it's only ever in the event of your phone breaking that every man, woman and badger in the land decides to text or call you. Eventually it was a case of just ignoring it all, safe in the knowledge my excuse was watertight and genuine. I took my phone in to Vodafone (Excellent customer service, but a better chance of getting an MBE than a decent signal) since my contract was running up soon anyway, I perused the new phones out, laid eyes on a lovely Sony Ericsson, the Samsung Omnia (sounds like a disease) and finally fell to my knees before the new Blackberry Storm, a piece of gadgetalia so sexy it could win a wet t-shirt competition. It will be mine eventually... and while I dream of that I am left to writhe in agony at the courtesy phone I was provided with while my trusty little Samsung gets a fix up.

So behold above the Sharp GX17, invented and designed by simpletons with buttons so small and useless only a small nine year old could work it properly. The camera makes every person pixelated like a SNES game and even if you called the person right next to you, it would sound like they were in Bombay. It's horrendous. I never thought I'd miss an inanimate object as much as I miss my phone. Next Tuesday can't come soon enough.. To make matters worse as I've typed this I figured I would charge it, I've just discovered the charger doesn't fit and will probably be flat by tomorrow. Well on the bright side at least I don't have to use it...

Onto medical matters now and one trait of mine since a young age has been that I've had cold hands. People would always say 'Cold hands mean a warm heart' and while that's very sweet my hands are getting progressively colder which means the saying is nonsense since if my heart was warm enough so would be my fingers. It's reaching a point where I can chill drinks with the tip of my thumb. It's something I should be getting looked at, my blood pressure tests have always been spot on and I can rock a high level on a bleep test, but something about me doesn't feel right and hasn't for a while. Maybe I'm fussing over nothing, maybe I've got three months to live, maybe i'm like Jason Statham in Crank and I need car chases, sex and fighting to stay warm.. maybe...

Friday, 2 January 2009

That was then, this is now

Well what a weird and tumultuous year 2008 was, at points an utterly awful year for me and at others a wonderful one. Much like the weather it blew hot and cold. There is much to take though that can carry me into what I hope will be a very good year, albeit one where I think I may have to make a bold decision or two. I've been a bit guilty over the past couple of years of freewheeling in my life and to continue this threadbare cycling anology, it's time I got my feet on the pedals and started getting somewhere.

I have some elements of my life right now that I'm very happy with and people around me who keep me going. The only real things that I'm disatisfied with are really things that I can solve pretty easily with a little hard work and some perseverance.

Being positive has been something of a mantra over the past couple of months, but the word I'm going to have tattoed on my forehead backwards is going to be perseverance. Every time I look in the mirror i'll see it, everytime anyone else sees it they'll see a strange man with a long Russian looking word on his face. Actually let's scrap that idea....

With all this New Year enthusiasm that generally lasts until January 3rd I'm listing all my resolutions, some standard, some weirdly negative and some just plain weird

MY 12 RESOLUTIONS
1) Finish the stories sitting around half done
2) Watch Juno again, because last time round I didn't remember any of it
3) Be more selfish, sounds horrible but in truth I'm not selfish enough and I should be sometimes, just a little, not a lot
4) Get a new job
5) Network; i've never been comfortable with it or really unstood what it entails but they say it's not what you know it's who you know
6) Save money
7) Get more money and then spend it while I save the regular money
8) Watch more films
9) Win the Champions League on Football Manager 2009
10) Cook a lasagne from scratch
11) Make my film, show my film, then make a better one
12) Develop an idea that could stretch to a novel or even assemble short stories that can be interlinked to novel length, thus making me incredibly rich when it gets published after my relatives buy every single copy of it